Let it go, Let her go
by Sari Dark
Summary: A series of one-shots to Sam Tsui's "Let It Go / Let Her Go"


"Let It Go / Let Her Go"- Sam Tsui lyrics

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just play in Eric Kripke's epic sandbox and Sam Tsui is awesome! Direct quotes from 8.23 "Sacrifice"

AN: Series of one-shots in no particular order. Some could be almost anytime and others reference specific events that are pretty obvious when you read them. This was written around the airing of Season 10, so nothing beyond that point.  
>~~~~~~~~~~<p>

**_Let it go, let it go_**

**_You only need the light when it's burning low,_**

**_Let it go, let it go_**

**_You only miss the sun when it starts to snow._**

Sam and Dean stand over the shallow grave that they just dug up and look down at the body of the poor little boy that hadn't even realized he was dead and had been throwing temper tantrums because no one would hold him or talk to him. Dean looks to Sam who is holding the little ghost-boy. It is getting dark and as the sun begins to set Sam clicks on his flash light. Dean sighs and strikes a match. He stares at it as it starts to burn low towards his fingers.

"Dean. Let it go."

"Let it go." The little boy echoes.

Dean glances at the little boy one more time and whispers "Let it go."

He drops the match and the body starts to burn.

"Let it go." The little boy echoes as he glows and disappears.

Sam and Dean stand and stare as the little boy's body burns. They shiver in the winter air as it starts to snow. 

**_And here I stand,_**

**_And here I'll stay_**

**_You only know you love her when you let her go, oh_**

**_The cold never bothered me anyway._**

"I thought… They said you were dying…" Sam says to Dean, tears of relief starting to trip down his face.

"And here I stand." Dean gestures at his hospital gown covered self.

"Then you should probably get out of here before the cops get back. I'm not going anywhere soon." Sam gestures to the contraption holding his shattered pelvis together.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Dean walks unsteadily over to Sam's bedside and he pales a little in pain. When he reaches the edge of Sam's bed he braces himself on it.

"What happened with…" Sam starts.

"I had to let her go." Dean manages sadly.

He slides slowly to the cold floor, unable to stand any longer.

"Dean?" Sam says a little alarmed.

"It's cold." Dean states as the amount of blood he lost hits him hard. He shrugs. "The cold's never bothered me anyway." He slurs as he falls into unconsciousness. 

**_Staring at the bottom of your glass_**

**_Hoping one day you'll make a dream last_**

**_But dreams come slow, and they go so fast_**

Dean walks into the bar and isn't surprised in the least to see his brother sitting there, dejectedly staring at the bottom of an empty glass.

"You know it was just a dream right? It wasn't real, and it can't ever be real." Dean says, annoyed that the hunt from three weeks back is still affecting his brother so much.

"Why couldn't it be real? Why can't I have it? It could've been real…" Sam says carefully, drunk enough that he was starting to slur.

Dean sighs. "You know why."

"But I want it!" Sam whines childishly.

"I know you do. I wish you could have it. Sometimes I wish I could have it…Come on bro. Let's go back to the motel." Dean sighs, helping his brother up from his stool and putting Sam's arm around his shoulders to keep him upright.

As they make their way back to the motel Dean remembers a dream he once had. One about having a real life, a normal life; not one filled with monsters and demons that hurt the ones you love. He remembers having thought about that dream often until it felt like an actual possibility, but it hadn't lasted long after that. After all, he's a Winchester. His fate was decided for him a long time ago. As Dean lays his brother down on his bed in the motel room, and then flops down on his own, he allows himself to pretend it was possible. 

**_You see her when you close your eyes,  
><em>**

**_Maybe one day you'll understand why_**

**_Everything you touch surely dies._**

Sam closes his eyes and again he sees her. He doesn't know why he sees her when he closes his eyes, and maybe one day he'll know why, but for now he just remembers her beautiful face. The way her soft lips spread into a small smile when he talks to her, the way her curling locks frame her face, the way her eyes sparkle when they meet his own…but he knows that he can't have her. Everything he touches dies. His brother, his lover, it didn't seem to matter. Even people he just met seemed to die soon after he shook their hands good bye. No, Sam wouldn't go after her, but he would definitely remember her. 

**_Don't let them in, don't let them see_**

**_Be the good guy you'll always have to be_**

**_Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know_**

**_Well now they know_**

_Don't let them in, don't let them see!_ Dean schools his features back to his "happy go lucky" face.

"I'm fine! Seriously! There's nothing wrong!"

Sam looks at his brother skeptically.

"If you must know, I fell out of bed!" Dean says defensively.

"If you're sure…" Sam says, not believing it for a second, but knowing his brother will talk when, and if, he really needs to; and rolls over to go back to sleep.

Dean goes into the bathroom, flicks on the light, and closes the door behind him. He puts his hands on the edge of the sink and stares at himself in the mirror. He reflects on Castiel's threat to send him back to Hell. He didn't question whether or not the angel could do it. It was more a matter of how he could prevent it from happening. _Just be the good guy you've always been, that you'll always have to be. It's just like staying on Dad's good side._ He told himself.

_Conceal, don't feel, don't let him know!_ His mind was screaming at him as he sat on the hood of the Impala, talking with Sam, telling him about what he had done in Hell. He failed on all three counts as the words poured out of him and tears streamed down his face. _Well now he knows._

_**Let it go, let it go**_

_**You only need the light when it's burning low**_

_**Let it go, let it go**_

_**You only miss the sun when it starts to snow**_

"Let it go!"

"Let it go?! How the hell am I supposed to let it go? Do you know what you've done? How can I trust you now?"

"Oh, my god! Just let it go! It's not that big of a deal!"

"Let it go." Dean mocks in an imitation of Sam's 'whiny' voice "well it's not _your_ clothes burning in a fire _we_ started. I can't believe you started it before I could get my bag out! My favorite shirt was in there!"

Sam sighs and shakes his head, knowing that he can't win this one. They stand in silence and watch the haunted motel they had been staying in burn, as the sun sets behind it. The motel is just far enough from the little town in the middle of the desert that when Sam calls the fire department to make sure someone would put it out, they tell him just to let it go. To let it burn it's self out and they'd have a guy look at it in the morning. So Sam and Dean watch it burn, ashes falling around them like snow. It doesn't take long for it to burn out and when it does, Dean insists on looking for the remains of his poor duffel and his favorite t-shirt.

"This would be a lot easier if the sun was up." Sam mumbles.

"Yeah, well, we would have been out of here already if you hadn't set my stuff on fire."

Sam sighs again, wondering when his brother will let this issue go and find a new obsession to complain about, and preferably not something he had done. He sweeps his flashlight over the area that was their room one more time, ready to give up, when he spots the immaculate duffel tucked into what was left of the closet.

"Dean! I found it!"

He grabs the bag and drags it out of the smoldering embers and unzips it to check on the contents. Nothing seems to be disturbed and it doesn't even smell like smoke. Sam zips it back up and tosses it to his brother, who catches it expertly as he rounds the end of the pile of rubble.

"I think you owe me an apology; and maybe a "thank you"."

Dean makes a face.

"Not a chance." 

**_'Cause here I stand,_**

**_And here I'll stay_**

**_You only know you love her when you let her go, oh_**

**_The cold never bothered me anyway._**

**_Let it go, let her go_**

He didn't know why he came back here. He doesn't want to remember, but that's all he can do when he comes here. This isn't the first time that this has happened, and it probably wouldn't be the last. It felt like whenever they were within a ten mile radius of this place he would visit it at least once.

"We won." He would always say; would always tell her.

"I'm still standing somehow…"

The world seems to bend around him when he's here. No one ever passes between him and what used to be a hardware store, even when it is cleaned up and becomes a hair salon, as if the world knows that Dean Winchester just needs some time to grieve.

"I'll stay alive as long as I can, but even if I do die it probably won't stick for long…you know how us Winchesters are."

Then he just stands there, the world passing him by. He knows now that he loved her, much the same way he loves Lisa, but he had to let her go, let her die. He doesn't notice as the sun sets and the cold winter night takes over, the cold doesn't bother him anyway; or when he is joined on the sidewalk by his little brother.

"Dean, let it go; let _her_ go." Sam finally mutters, a sad look in his eyes as he shivers in the dark.

"I already did." Dean whispers as he slowly turns and heads towards the Impala. 

**_You only need the light when it's burning low_**

**_You only miss the sun when it starts to snow_**

**_You only know you love her when you let her go, oh_**

Sam sighs, frustrated as the candle that he has been using to read by flickers and almost goes out as he slams the book shut. The power in the bed and breakfast they are staying at has been out since noon and of course his laptop had died about an hour after the sun started to set, so reading books by candle light was a last ditch effort to get some sort of research done before whatever creature that was stealing little old ladies and their cats from their homes came back that night. Sam rubs a hand over his face and then back through his hair as he glances out the window. At some point it had started to snow, large, fluffy flakes sticking to the window panes. Sam sighed again. Now they would be cold and wet when they went after this creature they didn't know what it was or how to kill it. Great.

Dean, who had been taking a nap, stretches and sits up with a groan.

"No luck, I'm guessing." He observes, taking in the look Sam is shooting him, the candle light making it look more menacing.

Dean walks over and looks out the window. Everything is covered in a thick layer of white.

"As much as I hate to say it…I don't think we'll be able to finish this hunt tonight. We have no information and the snow is too deep to drive in. Unless you feel like walking through two or three feet deep snow; I think this one can wait till morning."

"I think I'm with you on that one."

They stay like that for a while, just enjoying the companionable silence.

Dean breaks the silence first.

"I remember that mom used to help me build snowmen…" He pauses and draws a smiley face on the window with his finger.

Sam gets up from his spot at the table and joins his brother looking out the window.

"Yeah?" Sam asks softly, trying not to break the spell that somehow had his brother talking about the mother he never knew as a child.

"She would help me put the carrot nose on, and then put a scarf around its neck. We would make snow angels. And when we came back in, Dad would be waiting for us with hot chocolate…"

Dean sighs, his breath fogging up the glass and making the smiley face stand out on the window.

"Well, nothing we can do about it now." Dean says, going back into hunter mode as if nothing had happened.

Sam watches as Dean goes to his duffel and pulls out a deck of cards.

"Poker?" He asks.

Sam smirks.

"You know I'm gonna beat you. Why do you even try?"

Sam, with this new acquired information on the mother he had only met in the past before even his brother was born, crosses to Dean's bed where he is shuffling the cards. He knows how much she loved them and how much she would have loved them if she would have lived, so he lets his brother's abrupt change in topic go. After all, he had only had to let her go once, and Dean had had to say goodbye to her three times. He knew that Dean still loved her, and so did he; so he let her go too. 

**_You only know you've been high when you're feeling low_**

**_You only hate the road when you're missing home_**

**_You only know you love her when you let her go_**

**_And now you know_**

Dean never would have thought of hunting as being a high point in his life, but it was turning out to be. The unfortunate thing being, that it was only that way because his lows were _way_ lower than your average person's. He had been in such despair that he sold his soul and gone to Hell…and Hell was itself an even lower point. And having been pulled out of Hell by an _angel_ of all things, he had barely raised from that low point before his brother sacrificed himself by jumping Lucifer back into his cage. After a year of pretending that he could actually have a normal life and discovering his soulless brother had been hunting without him, Dean had even hated being on the road; missing what he had started to consider his "home". Things had been hard living with Lisa and Ben and, eventually, he had let her go because he loved her too much to let her be a target for demons. And Cas…Dean felt the weight of some of the angel's mistakes as if they were his own. If he hadn't given up on him, the whole Leviathan thing probably could have been avoided; and of course, regardless of anything the angel said, Dean still blamed himself for what happened in Purgatory. And after the whole mess with Sam and the Trials, Abaddon, and the Mark of Cain…not to mention the whole Metatron thing and all the angels falling…well, being stabbed to death and turning into a demon was the icing on the cake, right? At least he wasn't a demon any more…

And now you know; hunting monsters as a living _can_ be a high point…if your name is Dean Winchester. 

**_Let it go, let it go_**

**_You only need the light when it's burning low_**

**_Let it go, let it go_**

**_You only miss the sun when it starts to snow_**

Sam could feel it coursing through him; the burning purity that ripped through his veins causing them to glow beneath his skin. He was so close. He could feel it. Even Crowley could feel it coming and had stopped fighting him. But that's when Dean barges through the doors of the old abandoned church yelling for him to stop. The way Dean is talking to him is how he imagines he might talk to a wounded animal. Was that really how Dean saw him now?

"Easy there. Okay. Just take it easy. We got a slight change of plan."

"What?" A change of plan? Eight hours ago they had agreed not to stop until this was finished and Dean had flown off with Cas… "What's going on? Where's Cas?!" If the angel wasn't there something major must have happened.

"Metatron lied. You finish this trial, you're dead, Sam."

The angel having lied to them wasn't really that big of a surprise and on some level Sam already knew that this would kill him, but in the grand scheme of things it seemed insignificant in comparison.

"So?" He was already resigned to complete this and he thought Dean was too, but he looked stricken by the idea that Sam would die for this.

"Look at him. Look at him! Look how close we are! Other people will die if I don't finish this!" Sam pleaded, begging his brother to understand how he felt and what was really at stake here.

"Think about it. Think about what we know, huh?" Dean reasoned, "Pulling souls from hell, curing demons, hell, ganking a Hellhound! We have enough knowledge on our side to turn the tide here. But I can't do it without you."

Can't do it without me? The idea made Sam want to laugh and cry at the same time.

"You can barely do it with me. I mean, you think I screw up everything I try. You think I need a chaperone, remember?" Dean's statement from hours ago still stung and Sam wasn't going to just let this one go.

"Come on, man. That's not what I meant."

"No, it's exactly what you meant." Sam felt torn by the implication, but he believed it just the same. "You want to know what I confessed in there?" He couldn't stop himself as the words started tumbling out. "What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again."

"Sam – "

Sam doesn't stop, the flood gates open all the way and the tears starting to stream down his face "What happens when you've decided I can't be trusted, again? I mean, who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another - another vampire?" Sam didn't have anything against Castiel, but it still hurt that Dean had gone to the angel instead of him on several occasions, and don't' even get him started on Benny. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your brother just – "

"Hold on, hold on! You seriously think that? Because none of it - none of it - is true. Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy...come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard" he waves a hand in Crowley's direction, "and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present; that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you." Dean was close to tears and Sam could hear the desperation in his voice.

It felt like a fog had lifted and Sam looked around at the decrepit church and the nearly human king of hell chained to a chair. The pain of the pure energy coursing through his veins comes into sharp focus and the blood from his cut hand splatters on the floor.

"How do I stop?" The bright light of the energy pulses through his arms and it scares him a little as it seems to start to fade before pulsing again, but not as bright.

"Just let it go."

"I can't." Sam desperately wanted to, but it scared him to think of losing the purity he had finally gained after years of being tainted. "It's in me, Dean. You don't know what this feels like."

Dean wraps a bandanna around his bleeding hand and ties it tightly, but Sam hardly feels it over the screaming of the rest of his nerves.

"Hey, listen, we will figure it out, okay, just like we always do. Come on." Dean pulls Sam into a tight hug and Sam relaxes into it like he did when he was little and had fallen on the playground, completely surrendering everything to his big brother.

"Come on. Let it go, okay? Let it go, brother." Dean says, his strong arms wrapping tighter around Sam. The energy starts to slip away "Hey, Dean." he pulls away from his brother to watch as the glowing energy fades.

"See?" Dean says. Sam can feel the implied, loving 'I told you so' underneath the single word.

For a moment Sam thinks that that is all that is going to happen, but no such luck as pain replaces the pure energy in its course through his blood stream. He doubles over in pain and doesn't even realize they have moved until they are almost to the Impala.

"Sam? I got you, little brother. You're gonna be just fine." They fall against the black car and slide to the cold ground, Sam desperately trying to breath and stay conscious, but unable to tell the difference because of the darkness that had filled in where the light had been.

He can vaguely hear his brother calling both his name and Castiel's, but is gasping for air and unable to respond till something hits the lake in front of them.

"What's happening?" is all he can manage as his eyes are drawn to the sky where bright lights are falling and burning in a strange sort of slow motion like burning snow. He inexplicably misses the sun and wished it was out so he could see for himself.

"Angels… They're falling." 

**_'Cause here I stand,_**

**_And here I'll stay_**

**_You only know you love her when you let her go, oh_**

"She said… you… abandoned me." Dean wheezes out through the pain of broken ribs.

"You didn't honestly believe her, did you?" Sam asks, scrambling to get the cuffs chaining his brother to the wall, off, before the crazy witches get back.

Dean only moans in pain as his weight is released from his shoulders and he slumps over onto his brother, unable to support his own weight

"She said… she cut off… your feet…"

"Well that's not true, 'cause here I stand."

"She said…she said you don't love me." Dean whispers, silent tears starting to flow down his cheeks as delirium and blood loss start to take over for the pure adrenalin that had been there moments before.

Sam pauses in his haste to get his brother out of this torture-chamber-like basement to look his brother in the eye.

"That's not true. You're my big brother. I will always love you."

Seeming to be satisfied with Sam's answer, Dean lets unconsciousness take him. When he wakes up he is in a hospital, and definitely on the good stuff.

"S'mmy…" he slurs.

"Right here man." Sam responds, putting a hand on his arm and leaning over so that Dean can see him.

"Y're here…"

Sam gives him a half-smile.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"Will ya stay?" Dean asks blurrily as the pain meds threaten to take him under again.

"I'll stay as long as you're here." Sam reassures. "I'm not going anywhere."

After a pause Dean mumbles, "I was gonna let her go."

"What? Why?" Sam asks, confused.

"Because I loved her." Dean says as he slips back under again, leaving his brother flustered. 

_**Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du [x3]  
><strong>_

_**The cold never bothered me anyway**_

"Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du; Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du; Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du. _The cold never bothered me anyway!_"

"Dude, are you seriously singing 'Let it go'?" Sam asks his brother sleepily, having been awakened by a bump in the road.

"What? No!" Dean denies, glancing out of corner of his eye to see if his brother believes him.

Sam just smirks.

"Don't worry Dean. It's sort of addictive. You hear it once, maybe not even ever watching the movie, and you can't escape it." There's an awkward silence between them. "Hey Dean? Would you like to build a snowman?"

Dean groans and rolls his eyes and Sam laughs.

"I actually prefer the 'Would you like to hide a body' version better." Dean smirks.

Sam furrows his brow in concentration. "They actually made that version?"

"Yep!" Dean grins cheekily. "Fits us perfectly, doesn't it?"

Sam just shakes his head with a bewildered smile and then leans against the window again.  
>~~~~~~~~~<p>

AN: The last one is in honor of my best friend _Clotilda Maximus_ , who brought the song to my attention and would sing it until I finally watched _Frozen_ with her...also great for the Scareatorium 'Happy Horror Days' event (because what is better than going to a haunted house for Christmas?)


End file.
